pwet

maghapong nakaupo
kailangang tumayo
kundi, masakit sa likod
masakit sa pwet
ano ba talaga ang tamang oras
o panahon lang na dapat nakaupo
para di gaanong sumakit ang likod
ang pwet...

Never Again...

Never again...
writing in my blog is seldom done. but writing in a journal or in a notebook takes me years even! i guess i can't find the time to write.....don't have the luxury to think what to write

so, don't think! just write! funny how this works. for me it does.
just scribble and well, ideas will come out of your brain
and more from your heart.

when your heart speaks, balancing what is right or just or what is morally right or morally uptight is harder than using the brain to do the feeling. you think?

so when we speak of love, is it the heart that's thinking or the brain that's feeling?
when heartache pushes its way in, do you feel it or do you think it; do you pull it out? do you even try pulling it out?
when this mess happens how and when will you start anew and mayhap forgive...forget?
how about trust issues? is it questioning another's motives or feelings or questioning yourself - trusting one's self is a bigger problem than  trusting someone else.

don't start with big steps; start with small steps
discovering love and living life once more is as to when you were a toddler touching surfaces - smooth, rough, tender, or hard. But unlike the toddler, you now discover, feel, and think on your own; and not dependent on what others say.

digs
11192010

in silence

i see your colors in silence
i see your life even in silence
you whisper so i alone may hear
(your sweet voice)
in silence we embrace
...one love

9.16.09
8:00am

24/7

for this past month, i've been moving from one place to another either for work or for pleasure.

soon after the 2nd semester of the schoolyear was over, i planned a trip to Occidental Mindoro, Philippines to visit a former student, a Mangyan community in Calapan, and went snorkling in Puerto Galera.

these are activities i haven't done before. i decided to give it a go while i am young...while i am able to with my two kids ofcourse.

and bonding time couldn't be more pleasurable as this.

after this three to four day travelling, we went to my hometown - calamba city philippines; after a day, we visited different churches. the Filipino practice of Visita Iglesia - from calamba city to pagsanjan, laguna. ofcourse this wouldn't be possible without transportation - innova and revo from my sister and brother. the holy week was spent wisely with friends and family without sacrificing the essence of the week...of how Christ's suffering redeemed us from our sins.

after the holy week, it was work again in naga; the 4-day bootcamp for students called for my presence 24/7 making me live in a dorm, ofcourse with my kids in tow.

summer class has begun...i have to go to yet another place for a cluster meeting; a workshop of sorts for deans and department cahirs and teachers, and students.

no...there's no chance that my tasks would be finished. the challenge really is when and how i manage to be a mom-dad and a ma'am 24/7

not so private thoughts

when i was in Baguio attending the 13th national press congress sponsored by PAPI, news from Naga City came to me through SMS... i had to look for an internet shop to get the details of this story.

i was shocked! i was hurt!
i never imagined that someone i know and i laugh with can say something bad about someone else especially to someone almost revered and respected by/in the community.

i was waiting for an apology, though i was not the real victim, still my position was marred. there was no remorse from the perpetrator...this makes me sad and disappointed much more than being angry. anger is something that you feel at the onset but only on a shallow level...there is deeper pain when sadness and disappointment creeps in.

definitely, the pen is mightier than the sword, always
in our new world in cyberspace, the keyboard becomes our ink...our fingers, our pen...our computer monitor becomes our paper and cyberspace...well, cyberspace is our postal service over the net - a very, very dependable and accurate postal service; yes, it is.

nothing gets personal when shared over the net. the mere fact that you typed it means you want to share it, let the whole world hear your angsts, your feelings - whether gladly or sadly, anger or love! as an adage goes...think 100 times or 1000 times over before writing anything, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY,. a sudden outburst leads to more damage than cure.

when someone gets hurt, when a name is marred, when you cause such damage, you will forever bear its consequences - whatever comes out of it.

:(
12-17-2008

wow! ang tagal na pala...

wow...
lagi kong nalilimutan ang pagbisita dito
'di ko akalain na buhay pa pala ito
sa pagtuturo ko ng tungkol dito
'di ko na inaalintana ang kung anuman ang mailalagay pa
tutal naman, ok na na naituro ko at naipasa ang kaalaman kung papano ito simulan
paikot-iutin man ang mundo, siguro nga, hindi na ito mawawala
salamat sa blogger, nailalahad ko ang mga bago, kahit na ang mga lumang laman ng aking isipan.

sana talaga may oras akong pagandahin pa itong page na ito
baka sakali mamayang gabi...o kaya bukas
basta, dapat, hindi ito mawala ;0\
12-17-2008

busybusybusy

each second moves nowhere
each minute runs fast
each hour seems eternity
each day seems forever
when i don't see you


usually we hear these lines from someone wooing someone
men and women make no difference - their gender need not be specified
where love is concerned

but in WORK...

each second moves
each minute is short still
each hour runs fast
each day seems forever too

never get mixed up with the time you spend for love and/or for work
confusion will eat you up
you wouldn't know then where you are

what day is it?
what hour is it?
would you have a minute...
or even a second...
just to say
iloveyou
to anyone
to someone
to me?

To keep my sanity...

i shouldn't be bitter
i couldn't be bitter
for i wouldn't be any better
than those who are
sulking in shame
for there's no glory
in what they've done
my bitter-sweet memories
will forever be bitter-sweet
but not bitter
which is better.

Thoughts without pauses

whatwouldyoudotoli'ltykesfightingoveryouforyourtimeforyourattentionyoucan'teventakesides
evenwhenyouknowthatoneisinthewrongthencexplainingwhyevenifthewrongpersonisn'tmuch
punishedoreveniftherotherisrightheorshestilldidsomethingwrongtooinawayifonlyicouldalways
shoutitssdamnhardtogetmadatyourownkidsyourownbloodyourloveoneswelliguessthisisjustitthe
lifeofamomgoesroundandroundandroundcaringandlovinggettingangryormadwithsomuchangstyet
painfeltbyhertykesareasifherowntoo

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Ang ngayon ay ang bukas
na dating pinapangarap

Ang ngayon ay ang kahapon
na babalik-tanawin
paminsan-minsan

Kay bilis ng panahon
kay ikli ng oras.

- 3rd quarter 1990

Bato!

Bato, bato, bato
Batong matigas, walang pakiramdam
Walang pakialam sa mundong ginagalawan
Batong maitim, magaspang
Pangit sa labas ngunit...
kapagkanabagsak, pulbos ang lalabas
Pulbos na may iba't ibang kulay
Sasama sa hangin matapos ay lalagpak
Sa lupang tigang at sa buhangi'y
Makikiulayaw ...
- feb26,1988

Raw... why did i write this one in 1988
It's so raw, but so true
Words have effects on people
They are just here for us to use
Will you agree if i say that there are words which are termed or considered dead! So be it, dead they may be but actually not; these words seem to be dead, we deem them dead because we do not use them; sadly, they are just forgotten and slowly being shoved in a dark or darkest corner in our room until a day comes and we need these words to say what we should say and should express. No one individual will get things right or have deeds done rightly without words. Sometimes we say that silence is best to be the language of our heart - Yes... BUT...too much silence is suffocating as too much words said is killing. Find the balance. It's just right. It's just proper. Don't leave without saying something, clearly... do not leave one hanging. jan29,2006 :)

Hay naku...

nagpapalipas ng oras
walang nangyayari
dapat bang may mangyari?
wala!
nakakabato lang na isipin
na ang paghihintay ay wala ring patutunguhan
walang kahahantungan
'di rin naman nakakapagpahinga, 'di ba?
bagkos, may pagod pa rin nadarama
sa katawan, sa puso, sa utak

'di na nga lang bali
'di na lang iisipin na iniintay kita
'di na lang iindahin ang nararamdaman
ng pusong napapagod na
nababagot na...
sana naman kahit minsa'y
maalala mo rin
kung maalala mo man ako'y
sana
malaman ko
kung 'di man...
ipaalam mo rin sa akin na
'di mo na nga ako naaala-ala
na 'di na kita dapat intayin pa
:(

Nasaan ang rosas?

Ikaw ay nangako
na ako ay paliligayahin
Ikaw ay nangako
na ako ay aarugain

Nang aking tanggapin
ang iyong sinabi
Akala ko, mayroon rosas
Lagi sa aking tabi

Ngunit ano ang nangyari?
Nang tayo ay naging-isa
Sama ng loob at problema
Ang iyong ipinadama

Puro na lamang tinik
Ang aking nahawakan
Ni kaunting katahimikan
At Ligaya ay walang nakamtan

Saan napunta
Ang iyong mga pangako?
Bakit puro tinik ang natira
Sa mga rosas mo?

Nasaan ang rosas
Na aking inaasam-asam?
Na sa piling mo
Sana ay nakamtan
- written Sept. 13, 1985
----

Look back! read the date again;
Twenty years had passed
Hmmm, funny how we sometimes don't like to turn back...look back
Refresh the memories?
As i see through my life, it indeed just goes round and round... in circles
Just like a roller coaster ride
We just have to learn how to get up and move on when finally
The ride ends...

So sleepy

I can't help it
My eyes are closing
As i type in the keys, the characters are slowly dancing
Getting blurred and stepping out of their li'l cubicles
I'm so damned tired
Even my shoulders are dropping, forming
a shape of an arch. Arrrrrgh!

I'm so damn sleepy.
I haven't had a decent sleep for two days straight now
See, the letters are jumping overboard. The cubicles are getting empty

Empty...is it really?
Or is it just me
:-[

Self-disclosure ...

Empty inside
I can't feel my heart
I can't feel my soul
My emotions are so trapped inside
Wanting to explode

My smiles are so calculated
There is a fear in me that you'll discover
How meaningful your presence is to me
How you help me overcome my paranoia
Of things, of life, of who I am

I'm alright really
It's just that I don't want to disclose myself again
To be turned down or receive a cold shoulder
To be seen teary-eyed, pleading; to be found wanting, lacking
In loving and giving too much, I lost myself

On my own, I have to regain my self
More than anything else, I have to smile an honest smile
Open my self to you and find ME again
So that I'd not shiver in one dark corner anymore
May I then say thank you?

You have no idea how practically I crawl out of my bed
To bathe, wear something decent and go to work
I survive because I see you everyday
Together with the Almighty's presence
Yes, I survive

Someday you'll know
How grateful I am to you
For saving me
My heart
My soul

.

just a thought...

The country mourns for Senator Raul Roco...died on August 5, 2005 at 9:00am, St. Luke's Hospital. Condolence...

Few months back, Fernando Poe Jr. died too, of a heart attack. Many cried. Condolence...

Both men ran for the Preseident's post. If any of these two men won, we would have lost a president. Condolence to the Filipinos.

With Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at the helm, we are... where we are now, in limbo? Too many arguments, too many decisions to make - to impeach or not to impeach, for charter change or not, to believe in the witness protection program or not - are the witnesses really being protected or simply brainwashed?

We are really in a sad state. Is it now apt to ask - Condolence to the Filipinos too?

Got it!

What's a blog? there's a complete website explaining the blog. I still have to read through though it to be able to come up with at least a complete operational definition of the blog. For my personal use, knowing something about the blog is enough, enough to enable me to post on my own page. You wouldn't believe how many times i had tried. I think it took me a month to do so, just to be able to post my ideas - sort of a journal entry in a cute notebook or diary. Well, diaries are personal journals that the owner alone should read privately; but for the blog - an open "diary". The mere fact that this is in the web, makes this a public property, with a personal touch and identity. I don't mind really. This is a good venue for expressing one's self and having the chance to exchange ideas with others in real time.

I am just glad that i am able to keep up with the technology. Hah! I finally got it!

prayers

Once in a while i read the Bible; as a Catholic and a believer, I should read it everyday but i don't. One thing that's certain though is that i pray everyday. How do you define a prayer...how should one pray. Definitely i am not an authority on this - the priests are, the cathecists, the ministers, the deacons. But even they have their own ways of praying.

How do i do it? Aside from the daily prayers - the Angelus, Our Lord's Prayer, the Apostle's Creed, Hail Mary - i talk to God, personally, as a friend, as a confidante. Attending a retreat on Ignatian Spirituality and the Ignatian way of life (simply put, a the 5-day guided/silent retreat) has helped me put everything in perspective, of my life and my purpose :)

Anyway, during one of the reflection and consciousness phases in the retreat, i was able to write again, creatively - if one may call my writing creative. haha! Now that i am in teaching, i usually do technical writing.

I am now providing space in PointBlank for my prayers so that time and again, my prayers may be yours to read and use and reflect on, that is if you may chance upon my page.

O Lord
You have given me pride and honor
And all these I should care for

As a little god, an Elohim
I can do away with whatever I ask for

But I should not
I should be aware that I could not

For you alone have the power
to do as you wish
to give as you want
to take at your own whim

Wake me
Humble me
Strip me of pride

Make me worthy of your love.
(written on April 19, 2005)

It's worth knowing and believing in God. He alone can save our sanity and our soul...through Him, with Him, in Him, and in the unity of the Holy Spirit...hmmmmmmmmm, forever and ever.

free ticket to a carnival named chaos

In media studies, Ien Ang relates that "the question to ask about the complex relation between media and audiences is not why there is not mere homogeneity, but why there is not more heterogeneity."(1) The situation where Filipinos are in right now shows the world that hey, a carnival is in town - a BIG one too! The carnival's star characters are no less than our top people in government - in the cabinet, legislative, judicial, the congress, the senate, the opposition, other politicians, and all the other watchamacallits...

Our 24-hour circus is so serious and bent on playing the part of making the clown or clowns laugh, cry, get mad, and change faces. They can really act you know. They have only to stay in the circus. And we, we wait, patiently for the inevitable - whatever that is.

People go agog over them. Mediamen do not have to go in so many places just to get their newsbit for the day. People only have to either turn on the boob tube, turn on the radio, or turn the pages of the newspapers and tabloids and instantly see or imagine what the clowns did to contribute to the success of carnival chaos. Well this and all the other news events in and out of our country add spice to being heterogenous but admitedly too, everything becomes homogenous.

People cannot do anything about this. The media can. But the demand for the circus is so great that all media can do right now is to give in to this demand. Media can be gullible...gullibly strong at times. So, everyone gets a free ticket to carnival chaos!

{This is a nice way of understanding postmodern society :) }

1. Ien Ang. In the realm of uncertainty: The global village and capitalist postmodernity. Communication theory Today. 1994.

inkbLotS

for the Media Studies Society's news magazine's maiden issue:

Ei guys...welcome to inkblot!

the editorial board assigned this to me *_*

what to write, what to say
i asked for the theme
nothing definite yet they say
but i know
evrything'll turn out great

the media studies embraces all; from theories to application and production courses students are able to conceptualize, design, plan, and implement their programs and projects - blood, sweat and tears aside

who said that broadcasting, communication, development communication, and journalism are easy courses? well, perhaps for others for they do not know what they are saying; they do not experience and will not experience the rigors of our jobs as communicators and as change agents in the community

the drive to come out with this news magazine sparked from Toots Rugeria's class - msge001: specialized course on writing during the 2nd semester of sy 2004-2005 - mind you, this is not a mere requirement being done for completion purposes

NO

this is a commitment being fulfilled

congratulations to the editorial board
for the writers and contributors, kudos to you all

you may have noticed, i did not end the sentences properly
there are only commas, semi-colons, ellipsis, and other marks but no periods nor exclamation points nor question marks to end these (except in the first and last lines)
as our readers put your own marks in these lines the way you want it to end
edit it as you so desire :)

now that the fire is lit
let it kindle
to bring forth light not ashes
to share what you know and what you have

nothing is easy....
rewards are great!